The Blame Game – A Poem

This one is for you…

 

The Blame Game

Let’s play a blame game,

In which I will win.

Because it’s a game,

And I like to win.

So, before you even try,

Let me begin.

For all the pain I caused,

For all those times I broke your heart,

For all those disappointments,

For all those false expectations,

For all the selfishness,

For every ache,

I blame myself.

I blame myself,

Because my heart is empty,

My body is drained of joy,

Your laugh was my fuel.

So, I blame myself,

For being drowned in your thoughts yet.

For everything,

I blame myself.

 

Zujajah Nadeem

 

Reason Without A Reason.

Do you ever feel like things happening for no reason and those reasons being there without reasons and those reasons being the very reason for causing you sorrow without reason???

It is treacherous to live a life like this. A masked life where everyone thinks you’re the happiest soul alive and that you are far from being touched by the pain. A masked life where even the closest to you don’t know you. A masked life where everyone thinks that laughing out hard and cracking jokes makes us the perfect humans with no experience of pain, sorrow and sadness. A masked life where you want to scream and throw up ever bit of throb causing you pain. A masked life where you want squeeze out every remaining ache in your bones.

But you don’t…

You don’t scream. You don’t throw up. You don’t squeeze it out. Because you’re used to it. Used to the joy of pain. Used to the fact how it lingers on despite of your utmost efforts to give it up. Because you don’t really want to give it up. Because you love how the pain strikes you. Because you want to feel it. Because you think it makes you who you are and letting it go would be letting yourself go. There’s a joy and happiness you feel when ached.

You are an extremely good actor because people never really know your depressed side. And you don’t want to tell the people or more precisely, you really don’t want the people to know the real you because you’re afraid they might laugh or they might leave you, thinking that you’re crazy. So, you never really open up your box of reality because you want to honor your suffering and you don’t want it to be abused by people’s reaction. So, you end up alone. In your world filled with people and your friends, you never really feel that you’re not alone. You feel alone because you don’t feel like you fit anywhere. You’re the round peg in the square hole. You’re the misfit.

Your pain doesn’t involve breakups and financial problems or anything else. Your pain has no reason but it’s still there and you have no clue in the world as to why it’s there. But it’s there and it doesn’t need the reason to be there and you don’t let it go because you don’t see the reason of letting it go. So, after a war with it, you come onto friendly terms with it because you realize the fact that even after fighting with it to leave you, it stays. Of all the people you know who make promises and show you the silver lining end up leaving but, your pain stays. And that is why you don’t want to let it go because it’s there when you want to feel it. And when you do, you suffer the indescribable emotion. An emotion of happiness, pain and tears. You’re the void.

When you open up to someone who you think will understand you, they are actually the ones who surprise you the most. They don’t want to understand what you want. They will bombard their explanations and theories of letting go of depression in a minute because it’s the easiest thing to do in the world. They get scared because you tell them the truth. They leave you breaking all their promises in a blink of an eye. The thing is, you regard their opinion but for once you want someone to listen to what you want. Because for once in your entire life, you do want someone to understand you because you’re tired of shedding tears with others and now you want someone to shed tears with you. But no one does because the moment you tell people the truth, they run away. You’re alone.

So, you never expose the real you. You deprive the world of your true-self. If anyone in the whole wide world knows you it’s you and that’s why you get addicted to pain because after you being there for yourself, it is there too. It still remains there without a reason whereas happiness comes with a price and doesn’t last long.

And then you become who you are without a reason.

 

Zujajah Nadeem

Picture Courtesy: Tumblr.com

 

 

The Pukhtun Redemption – Review on The Kite Runner

There are stories more powerful than realities because some of them teach us greater good than anything else. Hosseini, has a unique way of tethering his readers to his stories for an infinite time. Born and raised in Kabul, Hosseini pens down his feelings for Kabul very emotionally; the pain of never coming back to his homeland because of the Saur Revolution of 1978, has crafted his sentimental and heart touching writing and The Kite Runner is the book which describes the best of it all.

The story revolves around the tumultuous events, from the fall of Afghanistan’s monarchy at the hands of the Soviet military intervention, the exodus of Afghan refugees to Pakistan and the Unites States and the Taliban regime.

Centered on the friendship between a Pukhtun and a Hazara boy, the story begins with the strong brotherly bond both Amir (a well-to-do Pakhtun) and  Hassan (a Hazara boy and servant of Amir’s family) share; of how they flew kites in childhood and Hassan being Amir’s Kite Runner ran the best kites for him. Being mocked and harassed by the snobbish kids of the society for being a wealthy Pukhtun’s friend, Hassan still stood up and defended Amir but such loyalty and bravery was not paid back by Amir then. His cowardly and selfish nature turned Hassan’s life upside down because the one thing this book has divulged is that women aren’t the only ones getting raped and being made the objects of one’s sexual desires.

The events further craft a dreadful picture of Aghanistan’s downfall, first at the hands of Soviet Empire and then the Taliban, making Amir and his father refugees to the United States among the many other.

Time never remains the same. The guilt and misconduct haunts a man for ages until and unless he does something to right his wrongdoing. It eats a man no matter even if centuries pass. Some pain and some regrets are strong enough to linger on forever and when nature provides one with a chance to be better again, then there shouldn’t be second thoughts to it. And maybe, the guilt would not wash away entirely but the soul might be in a bit of peace than before. Similar is what occurred for Amir, the chance to be good again; when he flies back to Kabul after about more than 20 years to rescue the deceased Hassan’s son, Sohrab from the revolting sexual grasp of the Taliban and brings him back to the United States. Overwhelmed by the emotions and sentiments and finally stepping up with courage to stop the scorning attitude of Afghan society towards the Hazara boy i.e. Sohrab in the U.S, he adopts Sohrab as his son and as a payback to his friend and also half-brother Hassan, Amir becomes the Kite Runner for him and chants the most celebrated line of this story; “For you, a thousand times over.”

 

Zujajah Nadeem

 

The Pukhtun Valor – Review on A Thousand Splendid Suns

It’s not everyday that you get to read a book so exceptionally extraordinary which bounds you to praise the writer every time you’re reminded of it.

Almost three years back, I read this masterpiece of Hosseini and it never stops to amaze me by just reading a famous quote from it. Not only this book taught me the value of courage and determination but also made me realize the importance of women’s rights that need to be laid down strong in the under developing countries. The thing that makes this book stand out of all the others is how anomalously Hosseini being a man penned down the emotions of a woman and how masterly he felt the woman’s pain and inked it down on a paper.

The story centered on two Afghan women; one being the victim of illegitimate birth and the other being the victim of loving a man will set you on a roller coaster of sentiments.

The story of Mariam, her patience to bear a lengthy episode of both physical and mental torture in every possible way and her rage which gives her the courage to commit something no Afghan woman of that age would have ever thought of, is extremely prodigious. And the story of Laila, a winsome teenager entangled in the teenage love cloud and the gruesome set of events which leave her alone is another wondrous drill.

The story evolves with the mother-daughter bond Mariam and Laila develop though being the wives of the same man; Mariam and Laila both set the example of courage, valor, fight for one’s right, love, strength, honesty and the wonders a woman can do when left helpless, doubted and discouraged.

Zujajah Nadeem

 

The Heart Wrenching Disbelief – Review on The Bastard of Istanbul

There are some stories that linger on with you despite of your efforts to forget them, not because they are not good rather they are too good and carry a sorrow that you want to forget but you can’t.

It’s almost been a week since I finished the amazing piece of work by Elif Shafak, “The Bastard of Istanbul” and believe me there is no such tale as beautifully written on the common practice of rape and incest carried out even in the most civilized of nations.

Based in Istanbul, this book is about the girl named Asiya born out of wedlock as to why she is the Bastard of Istanbul. Her mother Zelikha, not a typical Turkish woman remained a rebel all her life and gave birth to her daughter at the mere age of 19. The book tells a different story in each chapter and the beauty of it is when everything starts relating at the end. Starting from Asiya’s birth, the book hooks the reader to a series of disbelief as to one main point mainly when it’s revealed that all her life she maintained a strange relationship with her mother who also happened to be her Aunt because Asiya’s mother Zelikha was raped by her own brother and Asiya’s biological father whom she called Uncle turned out to be his father.

Elif has done a great job writing this book and exposing the bitter realities of life when even your own blood can’t be trusted for your security because the hunger for a woman’s flesh is too strong in some men that they cease to remember their limits.

 

Zujajah Nadeem

My Feudal Lord – Book Review


I finished reading this book a while ago but this amazing piece of work did chant a spell over me. This book is the autobiography of the venerable Tehmina Durrani. It tells about her marriage to the powerful feudal lord Mustafa Khar and the challenges she had to face during her marriage with him, the threats she had to suffer, the mental and physical torture which made her both weak and strong, the betrayal by her own family, the loneliness after her divorce with Mustafa, the painful disownment of her family, her strength and the valour with which she decided to break the stereotypes and roar to the world about the reality of feudal systems in Pakistan. 

This book was published in 1994 and of course, it did set up a disrupt in the country because the book revealed many of the secrets of the Pakistani politicians and for sure it did bring a bag of challenges for Durrani as well. People at first discouraged and mocked the book but time doesn’t always remain the same; with the passage of time and with it’s international publishing, it became a best seller and one of the readers’ favourite, particularly women because the limelight of this book after all, was the feudalistic behaviour a woman has to bear! This book till today stands a strong beacon for all the women in Pakistan because it truly teaches them to stand up and fight for their rights. 

Apart from that, the story of Durrani will wrench your hearts but it will strengthen you at the end when you’ll read her courage. 

P.S it’s a must read. 
Zujajah Nadeem 

Inside Out

Firstly, thanks to my cousin UN for suggesting me the animated movie “Inside Out”. The first surprise was that it turned out to be animated. Now coming to the point: REVIEW.

I respect everyone’s opinion about this movie. Some would definitely love it while others won’t. But if you ask me, it was by far one of the best animations I saw. What touched me the most was the concept of how emotions play a role in our lives. I would like to appreciate its story writer for penning it down and to the directors and producers for executing it to the exquisite level.

It’s a wonderful story about a girl named Riley. It shows that how in early ages (toddler), only “joy” dominates among all the other emotions. And as we grow, “joy” is not necessarily important. To learn life, we do require “sadness”, as it helps us to understand the situations. Sometimes, we do need to be alone. Sometimes, “joy” is not as smart as “sadness”. Let’s face it, the wisest decisions are always made in solitude and also, when “sadness” strikes. We realize life when we’re down, we understand it then. As we grow, the ratio of “joy” starts decreasing. It comes like a Christmas treat, maybe. The other emotions namely, “disgust”, “anger”, “fear” and “sadness” start dominating . This is how life is supposed to be. And like Riley, when we’re young, our core memories are composed of just one emotion but as we grow, they become a mixture of “joy and sadness”, “disgust and anger”, “fear and sadness” and likewise.

What I loved the most was when “joy” cries holding the forgotten memories of Riley. That was the moment which made me realize that even “joy” can have “sadness”.

I can write words and words on this, but I think that would bore the rest. So, thank you again UN for suggesting me this. ☺

Much love.

Zujajah Nadeem

With love, Romeo.

To a friend who is closest to my heart and you know who you are!

Dearest Juliet,

If ever in my life, someone ever asks me that whether I’ve known ‘true love’, I’d say without a lie that yes I’d known it the moment I met you. Despite of everything what people have always said about you, it never ever bothered me because I knew that they never knew you like I did. They never saw the other-side of you. They never believed the person you were and you still are. You’re this wild being who is so versatile that not everyone knows how to handle. And I think if I just did it right it’s because you’ve handled me the same way. There’s no one else who has known me this well, who has known my every instinct just to the mark, who has known every side of me just so well. The thing that always makes me wonder is that how do you know me this well, how do you do that magic? Even when I never specifically opened every box, you were already there, you happened to know every box’s mystery so well that it made me fall in love with you every time more than ever.

I can write words and words and piles of pages and still never get tired of describing how perfect you are with all the imperfections and wildness and how beautiful you are with every thing mad you do and how utterly alluring you are for teaching that there is love greater than just the ordinary love and how ravishing you are for honoring our friendship despite everything and how exquisite you are for always believing me and how extra ordinarily charming you are for always standing up for me and how artistic you are for always handling the wildness in me.

I can’t be less grateful to the upper hand for blessing me with you. There is no other person that can stand up to your mark or that can ever replace you. You made love my reason. And I just wanna let you know that I’d be there no matter what because you are me and I’m you and above all, I love you most ardently!

With love,

Romeo.

P.S Always and forever is my promise to you.

SUMMER and the Useless Us!

Ah, the heat, the sweat, the attempt to eat Popsicles before the scorching sun melts them, the lying down in front of the air conditioners, the face going all red because of watermelon *or maybe heat* or maybe yellow because of mango, the juzzing of blenders for smoothies and juices, well, there we are: SUMMERS.

It’s literally the time when almost every school and college student is back home for vacations. I’m back home myself. Let’s be honest, I was so much excited for vacations. Counted days for my spring semester to get finished so, I’d travel almost 120 Km back home and would have the most awesome vacations!
But guess what, so far they are just the contrary to what I had thought. I think, it’s with everybody almost. All we do is, sleep, watch movies, read books and stay total losers for the rest of the day. Talking about me specifically, I have done nothing useful till now. I feel it myself. My conscious is saying me that. Rather haunting me and taunting me and mocking me that I’m an impotent human being and that I’m such an indolent and super Garfield-lazy that I’m not willing to do anything myself and make some time useful and then at the end I blame it on the HEAT! (Which is in fact what I do and I’m doing.)

It’s not just this year, it’s every year. Just before summer is about to start, I plan up a long list of things that I’d definitely do in summer but let’s just say, it’s a mere ‘plan’ I do, I’m never determined to do it. Out of all the lengthy list, the few things I actually manage to do to their fullest are as follows:

1. Read books. (It’s easy to do. All you have to do is sit or lie down in bed or on couch and have a book and read it. Not much of physical movement so, I find it the easiest and also it’s my favorite.)

2. Movies/TV shows. (It’s even easier. Lie down on your bed like a lump of meat, keep in mind, “lump of meat” not bones and watch the movies. It’s even easier to ignore the surroundings when you put the earphones. Well, it’s the essence of a true movie fanatic to get totally dissolved in the motion pictures which are amazingly directed by David Yates, James Cameron etc and with actors like Di Caprio and Matt Damon and Johnny Depp and the list is long. Well, not actresses because I’m a girl and I love actors who are hot and handsome. *Don’t take this offensively*
And also the TV shows. As a matter of fact, I was never into TV shows but then I had this really awesome roommate and she’s also an amazing friend, Rum. She forced me to watch seasons like FRIENDS, Arrow, The Originals and many more and I’m grateful to her for this because they are helping me kill my time in vacations!)

3. Sleep. (I might and will probably not be able to sleep properly once the uni starts again. You know, the assignments and quizzes and OMG! I don’t even wanna remember that now!)

4. Eat. (It only involves hand movements and jaw movements and I don’t know much about other movements as I’m an Engineering student. Anyways, FOOD is good and it soothes you *at least me*.)

5. Music. (Thank you to all the singers out there for actually helping me kill the time. Thank you Bryan Adams, Mumford and Sons, Adele, Pink Floyd, Enigma, Bon Iver and many more. I don’t even know whether you people will ever come to know how much you meant to me when I had nothing else to do in summer and you people were always there in my iPod and I could and would listen to you for God knows how long and would never get tired and also you people ‘also’ never got tired singing to me. Oh wait, but they are recordings right? So, how can they get tired! Hmm, something fishy.. )

6. I almost forget everything what else I had in ‘plan’.

So, this is how I spend my summer! And then my Mum is always there to tell me that I’m an actual lump of meat who only knows to eat, sleep and repeat it again and again. First my conscious and then my mum. Well, actually it’s my mum first and then my conscious is so super-obedient to her that it actually oaths to mock me everyday and every time. It’s irritating but I never learn. Guess, nobody learns. I’m actually laughing right now because typing it down made me realize, “GOD! I haven’t done anything useful till now.”

I guess it’s only as long as we are students, once we are gonna hit the “professional life” gear, there won’t be any such thing. So, it gives me a bit of peace that I can be a loser and an impotent “lump of meat” for two more years!

From Dawn to Dusk

2014 has almost ended. We are headed towards its termination. It’s a journey we travel every year. It’s a travel from dawn to dusk…

The very first sun of the new year is the dawn; a dawn to the proceeding day. A dawn to the new comings. A dawn to new experiences. A dawn to new ambitions. A dawn to not repeat the miseries of the past. That is the beginning of the day!

As the year proceeds, the sun starts getting brighter and brighter. That is the start of the day. The time when things are finally in motion and the time when they give us a ride. The smooth start to a troublesome half-time. We push ourselves harder and harder to make things right but somehow, they don’t and we break away. But hey, there’s a whole other half-time left! So, we recall the moments that solidify us, to punch us with determination. Sometimes, we are too afraid to try things. Too afraid to speak the truth. Too afraid to fight for ourselves. Too afraid to stand for our right. That is sadness!

And then we find our souls at peace in solitude; and in solitude we find our courage. So, this is how we kick-off for the final half. The determination that moments provide us and the courage that we discover in solitude trigger us to live the other half. And not just live, but it’s the experience we gather. The experience that matures us. The experience that tames the bit of wildness in us into human. And being human is being an experience. The tamed animal is a human. We are all animals but years tame us. Being an animal is no harm because there is wildness in each and every one of us. That is what takes years to tame it into a human. But that is fun. That is a happy moment. Controlling the animal inside and telling it silently to calm down is a laughable moment. That is happiness!

And with this all, we then are headed towards the evening. The light gets dimmer. The stars start showing themselves. We might not have everything achieved, as this is how it has to be. Sometimes, everything we do, counts, but sometimes it doesn’t. We get demoralized as we’re headed towards the dusk. But somewhere deep in our hearts, we know this isn’t the end. We know it’s a beginning to something completely new and amazing. And this feeling keeps us alive. It keeps us motivated towards the challenges yet to come with the new sun. So, we smile towards the dusk and towards the sun that takes down everything with it. That is strength!

We then enter night. In night, we lay down and have jigsaws in mind for the coming day. Hopes. A new determination yet to craft. A new courage yet to be found. Another bit of wildness to be tamed. And then we smile towards all these worries and close our eyes with a hope to see the new sun washing away every trouble with itself. That is faith!

And this is how, the moon shines and the year ends!